Sex

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Let’s talk about sex. Sex, for me, has always been a difficult subject to talk about. I know my perceptions of sex have been a bit mixed up throughout my life. But I’m here to be honest and in return I ask for no judgements.

I lost my virginity young and I wouldn’t say by choice. Sure I liked the guy, in fact I was dating him, if you can call it that when you’re still in school. He was older than me by a few years. I thought I was so cool with an older boyfriend. So when the time came I wasn’t ready, it was forceful, I didn’t want to say no but I didn’t say yes. After what felt like a life time, crying, bleeding and in pain I jumped up and left. Said I was going and legged it. I think he was too surprised to say anything or too cocky to think I wouldn’t tell anyone. He just let me. And he was right, I didn’t tell anyone.

I walked the 4 or 5 mile home. Sobbing and cold with my jacket around my waist to protect my dignity.

The next few years I thought I was taking my body back! I would chose to have sex and I would be in control. And in a weird twisting way I thought I would teach every man and woman this and I would do it through promiscuous behaviour. I don’t feel pride when I look back on this.

From here I got into two relationships one after another and both were toxic. They followed the same patterns of controlling behaviour and sex was a tool. I could use it to keep myself safe from arguments and verbal attacks. Combined, I had this attitude towards sex, for 9 years. It was not something two people, happy and attracted to each other did that felt good, it was something to endure to keep me safe.

I’ve got to say. That really messes you up. And I didn’t realise how much it messed me up until I met my boyfriend. A little shout out here to how amazing this man truly is. He cares and is calm and never makes me feel small or shouts at me. There’s no manipulation just pure unconditional support. He wants to have sex because we both want to and it’s fun. It took me a long time to not feel suspicious about this view and to accept it. This is how it should have been.

I’m far from “fixed”. I’m plagued with how my brain has been wired for so many years. Insecurities, suspicion and guilt always fill be when the topic is brought up. But I’m strong enough now to see my past for what it was. I’m strong enough now to take control of my own future, and see what I’m worth.

If you have been triggered by anything in this blog post, please reach out. Look for help, online there are plenty of articles and support groups which could offer advice or simply, just another view point. Because I never realised how much of my life this only little three letter word would effect.

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